@JediGigi: I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don't have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
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@PeaceInTruth1: *calls lost & found* Me: Have you seen my patience? L&F: Hold on a second. Me: *click*
@iscoff: TEACHER: please take off your hat in class *I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat* ME: I can do this 14 more times
@internetluke: *as girl walks in* 98, 99, *grunts* 100 "Wow, push-ups?" Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
@TheMichaelRock: I hate when my wife says "GO WAIT IN THE CAR" because I'm not sure if she's talking to me or the kids.