What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
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seems fine
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”