Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“TGIM!” – My liver
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar