I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
You Might Also Like
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.