@JasonLastname: I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn't even in it. Incredible strength.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Iwriteforcats: I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
@jackiecarbajal: Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan... "CLIMAX IN IMAX"
@Kyle_Raney: [hospital] "We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach." "Is that bahahaad?" "Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."
@deardilettante: At least there's one other woman who's more wasted than me in this emergency room. No, my mistake, she's got dementia.