I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
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If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
What a website
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby