I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Yup
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
This raises questions
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*