[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
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anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
North and South
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules