@Sassafrantz: I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How's your night?
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@PeterClayton6: My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
@man_spach: When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
@Brianhopecomedy: Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
@flashember: Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully's face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.