@Sassafrantz: I just introduced my date as P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney because I forgot his name. How's your night?
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@OneTrickTofani: *proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean* "I'll still marry you" No. I'm married to the sea now *dives in*
@AdamBroud: *Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight* Wife: Can you imagine being that strong? Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.
@joshgondelman: The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.