@HomeProbably: I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

@MafiaJoker78: Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse... Are you in a stable relationship?

@Biraahwa: Friend: Do you have a bird problem? Me: No. Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound. Me: Oh that? That's for people.

@WetzelGeek: I pick up my dog's poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

@hxnnahjohnston: oh. my god