I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
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google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?