it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I drew y’all a little something.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep