@TheCatWhisprer: I just laid on my cat's keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
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@rockymomax: [At bar] BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
@ImaFlyontheWall: Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword? Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it.. Jury: *giggles*
@Laser_Cat: In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it's space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
@_NTFG_: We woke up to a noise. I grabbed a bat. He grabs a can of body spray. "Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?"