I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002