@InternetEh: I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now
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@shutupmikeginn: air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
@Marlebean: [Interviewing to be a mortician] Do you have any experience handling dead bodies? -Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
@superdadatron: Hope you don't mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
@jordan_stratton: [Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream] Oh my god, Linda, it's like you've never even heard of ants.