@InternetEh: I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now
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@trentistweeting: ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and- GIRL: hook up? sure! ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome
@weinerdog4life: Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
@TheCatWhisprer: You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
@Iwriteforcats: Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme? Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.