I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
(yawn)
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud