I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
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Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)