I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I already tried new things thanks.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?