I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.