@thomaskeamon: I just learned today that Cardi B's real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating
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@Glynner85: The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you're done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.
@djdarrellripley: Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I'm leaving you my name & number. Signed, Guess Who.
@chickenmclovin: Twilight drinking game rules: 1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.
@sonictyrant: DOCTOR: I’m sorry but You’re not going to live through this fever. ME: oh no AND today is Saturday Doctor: please no Me: say it Doctor: *sighs* You have Saturday night fever. ME: Tell my wife that joke. Also that I love her but first that joke.