@thomaskeamon: I just learned today that Cardi B's real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating
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@envydatropic: You never worry about the size of your doctor's fingers until you need a rectal exam. I know this now.
@click4amanda: Him: Yah, I like my meat rare Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean? Him: ...... Me: Our mom's are friends, you have to finish the date
@joejwest: [deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I'll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
@IvoryGazelle: I push everything I have across the table and confidently call "all in". "Omg, for the last time, this is chess"