@thomaskeamon: I just learned today that Cardi B's real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating
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@RightOJack: My GF spent $49 on a haircut. Had she gone to Petsmart she'd have gotten an ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free bandana as well.
@flashember: [Enters baby room late at night] *flicks switch* [baby's got a raccoon in a headlock] "What the-" DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
@ajvaage: Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.