Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
You Might Also Like
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.