I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!