I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
My boss called in sick of me
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.