I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’d love this…lol
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.