“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Happy Taco Tuesday
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden