I just love that new Pope smell.
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now