Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.