If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Me irl
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH