Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
You Might Also Like
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…