A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
opening twitter today
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
that lip filler tho
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.