I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
sliding into dms like
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?