@funnyfries: I just met a woman who told me she had "trouble keeping weight on" in times of stress. I ate her.
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@david8hughes: [fakes allergic reaction at dinner] Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me
@RobElliottComic: Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl Me: SWEET! Mr. Buffalo: And a boy Me: So, I guess you could say he's your... Bi-son
@trojansauce: HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back? DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks
@mattZillaaaa: I don't mean to brag but I've perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined