@funnyfries: I just met a woman who told me she had "trouble keeping weight on" in times of stress. I ate her.
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@rsynder336x2: I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I'm a great husband
@ElKnuckelhombre: I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
@ruinedpicnic: parent: why did you do this to my child willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won
@RoosterMustache: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "hey thanks" and I'm like "I'm just happy to be a part of this nice community"