@funnyfries: I just met a woman who told me she had "trouble keeping weight on" in times of stress. I ate her.
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@_troyjohnson: Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
@notfaizzy: My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone's been thinking of me so much they're giving me a stroke!
@trevso_electric: When I hear commercials say "win a trip for you and six friends" I start counting to see if I have six friends.
@Lord_Voldemort7: Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled "Maybe it's not us, it's you..."