I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
You Might Also Like
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Monday Lisa
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
*updates tinder bio*
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor