I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Jurassic park gets weird
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.