Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.