Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
You sure about that?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”