I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
all that yoga finally paid off
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!