@marcusparkersol: I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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@meganamram: party idea: "DUI or IUD?" u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN'T divulge which
@carlyken: *travels back to 1930's* okay and that's why you've got to kill hitler FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'm looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly." Ian: "I'm a medium." Me: "I need someone better than that."
@dulcetry: [me, to my brother] I can't believe we've never been to Coachella [my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife