I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”