‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
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My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame