‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!