I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way