@mactx85: I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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@Social_Mime: Wife - You ate all of the Reeses eggs? Me - You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
@wolfpupy: i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass
@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: You need to text faster Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago