@mactx85: I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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@WilliamAder: I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
@Chalupanati: *PLOT TWIST* Breaking Bad last ep. Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
@djdarrellripley: *At The Opera* Her: Where are you going? Me: I have to go to the Men's Room. Her: I have the car keys. Me: Shit!
@shawn_spree: I said I wouldn't go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.