@mactx85: I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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@NicestHippo: *notices zipper is down* OMG! *zips it up* FRIEND: Thanks but next time just tell me and I'll do it myself
@marknorm: When you're a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you're an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
@rickkondell: Saw a homeless guy at McDonald's begging for money, told him I'd buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
@HysteriaBarbie: Me: Shot through the heart 911: What is your location? Me: And you're to blame 911: Pardon? Me: You give love a bad name 911: I'm hanging up