@mactx85: I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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@BeerBatterBeard: The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as "famous."
@bmarked21: My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
@HomeProbably: When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I'm into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people. It sounds better than stalking.
@Marlebean: Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00. Me: I can't come, I'm allergic. Boss: But we're not serving food. Me: ... yeah now I really can't come.