I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search