I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
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cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night