I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Cat is stressing him out.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
How times have changed.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*