@NurseMurderer: I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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@philmann: Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
@allthatisbecca: I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted "WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!"
@aka_fatman: *Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera* "My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?"
@rickolantern: The baby changing station in this Chili's bathroom is broken I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one