I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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Fries, not lies.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*