I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.