I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”