I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Denise please return my vape pen
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.