how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
You Might Also Like
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
If only.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’