I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.