@markleggett: I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write "Actually, Vanessa, YOU'RE the one who's being 'dramatic'."
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@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
@HousewifeOfHell: What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.
@robknepper: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]