My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
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[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Jesus Christ lmao
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.