@yaseen_moi: I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
@HeyZeus666: My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning. But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
@SlayerSays: Don't model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.
@SortaBad: "..all the king's horses & all the king's men couldn't get Humpty together again" *raises hand* What guy thought horses might figure it out?